Kimau · April 3, 2023 09:44 · Apr 3, 2023
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+1. I'll assign my soldiers to weapon proficiency training based on their horoscope signs. After all, it's important to know if Mercury is in retrograde before sending a rookie to snipe a Sectoid.
+1. I'll design uniforms exclusively in bright neon colors. Aliens will be too busy shielding their eyes from the dazzling sight to shoot back.
+1. I'll make the Skyranger pilot fly in circles around the alien base for 20 minutes before landing, just to make sure the aliens are extra dizzy and disoriented.
+1. I'll replace our standard-issue frag grenades with confetti poppers. Nothing says "surprise" like a colorful explosion of paper.
+1. I'll institute a mandatory team-building exercise where soldiers must communicate using only emojis. 👽🔫💥🛸
+1. I'll install a state-of-the-art karaoke machine in the barracks, because nothing prepares soldiers for battle quite like an impromptu performance of "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
+1. I'll make soldiers take turns dressing up as a Berserker and roaming the base. The constant adrenaline rush will keep everyone on their toes.
+1. I'll incorporate interpretive dance into the tactical training regimen. When the aliens come, we'll confuse them with a perfectly synchronized performance.
+1. I'll replace the standard-issue medkits with homeopathic remedies. Nothing cures plasma wounds quite like a nice dose of diluted essential oils.
+1. I'll commission a reality TV show called "XCOM's Got Talent," where soldiers compete for a coveted spot on the squad based on their ability to juggle, yodel, and cook gourmet meals under pressure.
+1. I'll make sure every mission begins with a detailed pre-battle pep talk, reciting famous speeches from movies such as "Braveheart" and "Independence Day."
+1. I'll install disco balls and strobe lights in the Avenger's command center. If we're going to save the world, we might as well do it in style.
+1. I'll make sure each soldier has a personalized theme song that plays whenever they enter a room or make a kill. Aliens will know who's coming for them when they hear the catchy tunes.
+1. I'll require soldiers to engage in psychological warfare by delivering pun-filled one-liners after each successful hit on the aliens. "Take that, you Muton-ated freak!"
+1. Finally, I'll make sure every mission is recorded and live-streamed for the world to see. When the aliens are defeated, we'll have the perfect compilation of XCOM's greatest moments – complete with laugh tracks and dramatic zooms.
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